What Ifs? (Sheep)

I created this blog 3 years ago wanting to write consistently about me embarking on a new journey but I left it as that and didn't continue. There's so much that's happened since then and I really don't know where to start. I really love writing but I admit that I don't write well and has since been afraid to write. Ironically, I'm in an industry that requires me to write really well. Sometimes I do feel like a fraud. So I have decided to write whenever and whatever I feel like in this space, whether it's good or bad writing. 

I was in a toxic relationship when I created this blog and have since got out of it. I downloaded a few dating apps half a year after breaking up and finally decided to meet people in real life. It was definitely nerve wrecking to meet a stranger you only talked to online. I've met good and bad guys on the dating apps, and I feel like I want to write about the lessons I've learnt for my future self. 

I often forget how it feels like during a bad time or situation and begin to think of the What If's in some occasions. What if I didn't screw things up and ended up with this person? How will my life be right now or in the near future? Will it be easier or will it be worse?

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It will probably take awhile if I were to document about Sheep even though it's only a week worth of story. I first started talking to Sheep on CMB on the night of 16th March 2020 and we met on the evening of 20th March. We met again on 22nd March, and everything ended abruptly on 25th March... 

Honestly, out of all the guys I met from online dating, Sheep was the one that made a huge impact on me despite him just being in my life for exactly a week. I had never been so nervous about meeting someone online and one of the reason is probably because I thought he was the one and all that's left is a face-to-face meeting. I was hyperventilating with my friend about meeting him, and was worried about how I was dressed and etc. Also, I'd never been so depressed over a guy till the extent of wanting to drink away (my body can't really take alcohol) and have a good night's sleep. I went to drink that Wednesday (25 March) with my best friend whom I recently reconciled with 3-4 months ago. After drinking a whole tower of beer, we went to sing K (didn't know that was gonna be the last time before it was closed due to Covid-19 and haven't been able to open since) at Kallang Wave Mall. Cried like a bitch and deleted his conversation while she was singing Tank's 你的情歌 'cause I saw that he was online again without replying me. Went home to puke and had a good night's sleep. 

I probably took a big blow due to the fact that I can finally date a decent guy properly for the first time, and I thought he was really the one after all the talks we had. But I guess he was just a sweet talker in the end. I was probably to blame too but let's save the talk for another day.

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The main point of me wanting to write this entry today is that I have a sudden thought. What if I ended up with him right now? 

He was the same age as my ex (also 5 years older than I am), but he was a total opposite. He seems to have built a career for himself, and he seems confident about himself and know exactly what he wants in life. He kept telling me that he's looking to settle down already and I thought that I will finally get the sense of security that I wanted from him. 

After more than a year has passed, I realise that it was going to be difficult either ways. I'll probably feel really insecure with him as time passes as he's from a completely different world than the one I'm living in. He has everything in his life already and I'm just starting out at life. My life will probably take a different turn if I ended up being with him. I may never get the security that I thought I could have from a guy who has everything. 

When you get together with someone that has everything, and you've got nothing, you'll forever be in the palm of his hands. He can do whatever he wants with the money and status that he has. He could end up cheating once the feelings fades and I will end up being lonely and miserable, as I cannot have a say in anything. 

Perhaps the idea of being with him got to me. Perhaps the promises that he gave me felt like something that only happens in drama and I was like, oh my god, is this a dream? Yes, it's probably that kind of feeling. 

He promised me so much, to only leave me with nothing. That just shows what kind of person he is.